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The Riddle [Teaser for Part 12]

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Miles Prower



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Age : 18
Joined : 03 Oct 2006
Posts : 578
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PostSubject: Re: The Riddle [Teaser for Part 12]   Wed 25 Jun - 7:42

Fantastic stuff, egan'kor. Can't wait to see more installments.
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---
Revolution, the only solution
The armed response of an entire nation
Revolution, the only solution
We've taken all your shit now it's time for restitution
The plan was mastered and called genocide
Took all the children and then we died
The few that remained were never found
All in a system of down
P.L.U.C.K. by System of a Down
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Lcpl. zamm21



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PostSubject: Re: The Riddle [Teaser for Part 12]   Wed 25 Jun - 18:43

Aye, this was a good addition, I truly enjoy where you have gone with this story. I hope you don't give up posting before the end, if I don't get to find out what happens... well, Just remember that Marines are born to kill... >.>
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Rëfen'lali



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Location : Minnesota (Way too far North for my liking)

PostSubject: Re: The Riddle [Teaser for Part 12]   Wed 25 Jun - 19:40

Lcpl. zamm21 wrote:
Aye, this was a good addition, I truly enjoy where you have gone with this story. I hope you don't give up posting before the end, if I don't get to find out what happens... well, Just remember that Marines are born to kill... >.>


Wow! I'm getting threatened by a Marine! Thank you very much for your... unique comment.
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Tolé nirol, Jeremi naga’sé!

No way! There is a Vinco, Pennsylvania!

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Lcpl. zamm21



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PostSubject: Re: The Riddle [Teaser for Part 12]   Wed 25 Jun - 19:42

>.> <.<

I never threatened you...

Spoiler:
 

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Rëfen'lali



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PostSubject: Re: The Riddle [Teaser for Part 12]   Wed 25 Jun - 19:52

You can't deny it! I have witnesses!
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Tolé nirol, Jeremi naga’sé!

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Lcpl. zamm21



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PostSubject: Re: The Riddle [Teaser for Part 12]   Wed 25 Jun - 20:32

*shoots witnesses from a distance*

what?
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Rëfen'lali



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PostSubject: Re: The Riddle [Teaser for Part 12]   Wed 25 Jun - 22:08

*sigh* Never mind.... You win this time.
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Maloe



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PostSubject: Re: The Riddle [Teaser for Part 12]   Thu 26 Jun - 0:38

BRILIANCE.

One of the few stories that are true briliance. And one of the few that aren't fanfictions...
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Rëfen'lali



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PostSubject: Re: The Riddle [Teaser for Part 12]   Thu 26 Jun - 1:08

Maloe wrote:
BRILIANCE.

One of the few stories that are true briliance. And one of the few that aren't fanfictions...



Come now. You can say what everyone is thinking! (At least, I feel that way. Too many fanfics on this site!)
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No way! There is a Vinco, Pennsylvania!

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Rëfen'lali



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PostSubject: Re: The Riddle [Teaser for Part 12]   Tue 8 Jul - 1:27

Sorry for the long wait. I was very busy last week, so I didn't really get a chance to write! Here's part eight. There's not too much action, but I hope you enjoy it anyway!
* * *
Part Eight: Pancakes and Pull-ups
“Wake up, little one.” Jeremy slowly opened his eyes, jumping involuntarily as he saw the masked face of one of his caretakers. “It’s time for breakfast!” The robot helped Jeremy get out of the bed and led him down the hall to the kitchen. Jeremy sniffed the air, pleased by what he smelled.
“Pancakes!” He said happily. He hurried to the table, completely undisturbed by the fact he was wearing a feminine nightgown and a wet pull-up. In fact, Jeremy didn’t notice anything except the food in front of him until he was halfway through his fourth pancake. At that time, the food-laden ecstasy began to dull and he became aware of his outfit. He put down his fork slowly, embarrassed that he had eaten without noticing his otherwise-humiliating situation. “Can I go change?” He asked. Without a word, the caretaker led Jeremy back to his room. Once there, the robot removed Jeremy’s nightgown.
“Looks like you’re having trouble staying dry at night, little one.” The robot mused. Jeremy ignored the robot, preoccupied with his drooping pull-up. “Let’s get you to the potty.” The caretaker said with a dry pull-up in its mechanical hand. They walked through the dark corridor and into the bathroom. Jeremy marveled at the fact that none of the light from the bathroom, or really any room, spilled into the hallway. The robot navigated him onto the potty chair, and Jeremy sat there, staring up at the robot. He didn’t feel the need to go, and sure enough, nothing happened. Yet the robot made him sit there for ten minutes. Finally, the root allowed him to stand up and put in the new pull-up. The two then returned to Jeremy’s room, where the caretaker began the task of finding Jeremy a dress for the day. Jeremy sat on the bed with Chris, dreading the robot’s decision. He gazed down at Chris, who was still in his nightgown. The fox seemed to be taking everything in stride. Jeremy had to remind himself that the fox was just a stuffed toy, but part of him refused to believe it. The robot turned around, holding in its hands two bright yellow dresses, each having a plethora of petticoats. The only difference between the two was that one was far smaller than the other. Jeremy sighed, fully aware that he had no choice in the matter. He obediently raised his arms into the air, momentarily blinded by a sea of yellow fabric. His head emerged at last from the dress as the root began to focus on the little adjustments required. The robot soon finished, handing Jeremy Chris’s dress. Without a word, Jeremy changed the fox’s outfit, well aware of the watching robot. The robot soon left the room, reminding Jeremy to call if he needed to go potty. At long last, Jeremy was left alone to his thoughts.
He sat on the bed for a few minutes, not sure of what to do. Monotony certainly seemed to set in quickly. He got up and walked over to the toybox, having nothing better to do than to dig in it. The majority of the toys were clearly geared towards toddler girls, and Jeremy was struggling to stay interested in digging in the toybox. Near the bottom, he pulled out a black cube, about the same size as a Rubik’s Cube. It seemed to be made of metal, and as he examined it closely, it began to change colors fluidly. Jeremy watched it for a few minutes, hoping it would do something else. When nothing more happened, he tossed it aside and returned to his digging. At the very bottom, he found a plastic doctor’s kit, and so, he decided to play doctor with Chris. Picking up the kit, he turned toward the fox, and was surprised to see that he was gone! He frantically looked around the room and soon spied the fox sitting on the table next to a sippy cup of juice. In spite of himself, Jeremy giggled. He walked over to the table and picked up the cup.
“As soon as I finish my juice, I’ll take care of you.” He told the fox. He began to drink the juice, finishing it in a few minutes. He then set down the doctor’s kit and opened it up, selecting from it a stethoscope. He stuck the end in his ears and then put the other side against Chris’s chest. His vivid imagination soon provided a faint heartbeat. Jeremy nodded slightly as he removed the stethoscope. “That sounds healthy.” He said absently. He then selected a syringe. “However, we need to give you a shot for rabies, just in case.” He gently rolled up the fox’s sleeve, and placed the syringe on his arm. He pretended that the fox was scared, so he gently grabbed the fox’s other hand. “It’ll be over in just a second.” He quickly pushed down on the syringe. “There! All done!” He put the syringe away and carried the doctor bag back over to the toybox. He dropped it in, and just stared down into the toybox for a while. I wonder what mom and dad are doing right now. They’re probably panicking. There have been so many people my age who have disappeared that they probably think I’m dead by now. He felt guilty for not thinking of them sooner. He wandered back over to the bed and lied down. He sighed as he stared up at the ceiling. “There’s nothing to do around here!” He moaned.
“If you’re that bored, little one, you can come run errands with me.” Jeremy looked over and saw one of the caretakers in the doorway.
“Okay.” Jeremy got up and walked over to the caretaker. The caretaker, however, led him back over to the dresser.
“Let’s get you some cute tights to go with your pretty dress.” The robot quickly dug in one of the drawers, pulling out a pair of white tights. Jeremy found himself maneuvered over to a chair, where he watched as the robot pulled the tights up his legs. “Stay here while I get you some shoes, little one.” The robot said, walking away. Jeremy stared down at the tights. Why do I have to wear these? No one is going to see us! The robot soon returned with a pair of small white shoes and a large bag on its shoulder. The robot kneeled down and put the shoes on Jeremy’s feet. It then helped him up, and led him into the dark hallway again. Jeremy once again felt the twinge of fear. It was so dark that he couldn’t see a thing, and all he could hear was his own breathing and the clicking of his shoes. After what felt like an hour, they emerged on the same street that they had walked down to go to the park. This time, however, they walked the other way. Jeremy cautiously looked from side to side, nervous as more and more mannequins appeared. Does Vinco think that this makes it seem more realistic? He slowly became aware of a change in the scenery from houses to shops. The caretaker led him first into a grocery store, where they bought the ingredients for spaghetti. Jeremy licked his lips, as he loved spaghetti. As they were leaving the grocery store, Jeremy heard a quiet growl come from his stomach.
“I’m hungry.” He said quietly. The robot absentmindly nodded, leading Jeremy to a restaurant across the street. They sat down in a booth and a few minutes later, a robot waiter came walking along. The caretaker quickly ordered food for Jeremy, requesting a bib. The waiter nodded and hurried away. Jeremy sat quietly, staring out the window.
“What’s wrong, little one?” The robot asked.
“I’m not a baby!” He muttered.
“I know you’re not.”
“Then why did you ask for a bib?” The robot laughed in its clicking manner.
“That was so you don’t stain your pretty dress, silly!”
“I’m not a girl either!” Jeremy said, but the robot seemed not to hear him. A few minutes later, the robot waiter returned, placing in front of Jeremy a plate of chicken strips. Jeremy grabbed one of the strips and was about to eat it when his caretaker stopped him.
“You need the bib first, little one.” Before Jeremy could protest, the robot forced a plastic bib over his head. He stared down at the bib, on which was written in big red letters “Messy Eater”. He decided that he could bear eating with the bib around his neck, and so he focused on the strips before him. After a few minutes, his plate was clear. Secretly, he was glad for the bib, as the barbecue sauce that had come with the strips was rather runny. In fact, his dress had taken some damage from the sauce. However, his caretaker quite quickly wiped away the sauce and they left the restaurant.
“Where to now, freaky robot thing?” Jeremy asked, feeling strangely rebellious.
“What was that?” The robot asked, actually sounding angry. Jeremy immediately felt guilty.
“I’m sorry.” Jeremy muttered.
“Not as sorry as you will be! We’re going home right now!” The robot grabbed Jeremy’s hand and began pulling him down the street. Jeremy struggled to keep up, but the robot was too fast. The robot stopped for a second and picked him up, throwing him over its shoulder. Jeremy knew better than to struggle, feeling as though he were heading toward his doom. He felt like it only took them seconds to make it to and get through the dark corridor and they soon emerged into his bedroom. The robot sat down on the bed, placing Jeremy on its lap. Even before the robot lifted up his dress, Jeremy knew what was coming. Yet, he still cried out when its hand hit his bare bottom. The hand made contact twenty more times, and by the end, Jeremy was sobbing loudly. The robot slowly pulled Jeremy’s pull-up back up and navigated him to the corner. “I want you to stand here for fifteen minutes and think about what you said! Do you understand me?” Jeremy nodded meekly, gazing up at the robot with tears in his eyes. The robot left the room, but Jeremy knew better than to even think about leaving. From his corner, he could just barely see the clock. Time seemed to pass so slowly that Jeremy began to suspect that it had stopped altogether. He had only been standing in the corner for five minutes when he felt a pressure in his bladder, causing him to groan.
“Of all the times to need to piss.” He muttered, glancing towards the door to make sure that the caretaker hadn’t heard his choice of words. By the tenth minute, Jeremy began to rock slightly from side to side, focusing on holding in his pee. “There must be drugs in the food!” He whispered to himself. He mentally kicked himself for just realizing that now. After all, he had lost complete bladder control while in diapers! He quickly derailed his train of thought and returned his focus to his aching bladder. A glance at the clock revealed that he still had four minutes. He swore under his breath, certain that the clock had stopped. “Damn it!” He said. “I’m seventeen years old! I should be able to hold my pee for fifteen minutes!” That’s when it dawned on him. The caretakers had told him that whenever he needed to pee, he should call them. He walked over to the door, and called out. Almost instantly, one of the robots was at the door.
“Uh-oh! Someone left time-out!”
“I-I need to pee!” He said.
“A big girl would be able to hold it another… seven minutes.”
“What? I only have two minutes left!”
“Leaving time-out gets you five extra minutes, little one.” The caretaker forced him back to the corner and stood there, guarding him. Jeremy muttered under his breath. “What was that?” The robot asked.
“I love you?” Jeremy said sweetly.
“That’s very nice, but it won’t get you out of time-out.” Jeremy sighed. Come on! You can hold it for six more minutes! For some reason, his mental reassurance filled him with an indescribable warm feeling, especially around his crotch. Then, what just happened sank in. Jeremy moaned in anguish as he finished emptying his bladder into the pull-up. “Okay! You are now out of time-out!” The robot said happily.
“I wet myself.” Jeremy said sadly.








Random Thoughts of the Author
First of all, I always knew time-out did more harm than good! Second, it occurs to me that part seven was put up only a week ago, yet I feel the need to apologize for making you guys wait a week for part eight. Compare that to the writer* who doesn't update for three months and then yells at everyone for "bitching" about the lack of updates. What this says to me is that I am way too apologetic. Then again, the other** another part of my mind says that I actually care about my loyal readers***.

* Asshole
** It occurs to me that I have more than two "parts" to my mind.
*** That's YOU! Very Happy
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Tolé nirol, Jeremi naga’sé!

No way! There is a Vinco, Pennsylvania!

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darththorin



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PostSubject: Re: The Riddle [Teaser for Part 12]   Thu 10 Jul - 11:55

Great chapter, I really like the growing up aspect, It is a great story, yet still slightly creepy. Please keep writing
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Rëfen'lali



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Location : Minnesota (Way too far North for my liking)

PostSubject: Re: The Riddle [Teaser for Part 12]   Thu 10 Jul - 15:34

darththorin wrote:
Great chapter, I really like the growing up aspect, It is a great story, yet still slightly creepy. Please keep writing


Thanks for your comment. I'm glad that you like the "growing up" of Jeremy, especially since I kind of added that whole arc in to prolong the end of the story. Smile
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No way! There is a Vinco, Pennsylvania!

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Dargarious



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PostSubject: Re: The Riddle [Teaser for Part 12]   Thu 10 Jul - 16:41

The concept and pace of the story are well tuned and well written, and the overall structure of the story is fine. However I do get the impression that the first person narrative could do with a tad more character to work with, we pretty much start with a blank slate of a 17 year old boy with little to no personality and its only recently he's even mentioned anyone in his life pre kidnapping, since he’s a bit of a blank character then its hard to gauge how the character would react so certain parts of the story.

None of this impairs it from being a good well written story, but its one of the harder parts of writing within the genre and something to keep in mind in future endeavors. Aside from a couple of nagging parts about the story, (Vino reasons for doing it, where its all taking place) its nothing that major and I am fairly certain the questions will be answered within the conclusion.
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Milligan observed a nobbly brown dog snoozed down on the grass verge, now it was one of the creatures that dozes with eyes half open, but to Milligan a Catholic, it would appear the animal was giving him a long sensual erotic stare: Milligan moved uneasily in his holy Catholic trousers.
-Puckoon
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Rëfen'lali



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Location : Minnesota (Way too far North for my liking)

PostSubject: Re: The Riddle [Teaser for Part 12]   Thu 10 Jul - 17:30

Dargarious wrote:
The concept and pace of the story are well tuned and well written, and the overall structure of the story is fine. However I do get the impression that the first person narrative could do with a tad more character to work with, we pretty much start with a blank slate of a 17 year old boy with little to no personality and its only recently he's even mentioned anyone in his life pre kidnapping, since he’s a bit of a blank character then its hard to gauge how the character would react so certain parts of the story.

None of this impairs it from being a good well written story, but its one of the harder parts of writing within the genre and something to keep in mind in future endeavors. Aside from a couple of nagging parts about the story, (Vino reasons for doing it, where its all taking place) its nothing that major and I am fairly certain the questions will be answered within the conclusion.

No offense meant, but realistically, when someone is kidnapped, the questions you mentioned are not answered. After all, this story is not a James Bond film where the evil mastermind reveals his master plan. Smile You critiqued with the air of someone who knows the suspense genre, yet you claim that the fact that all of the questions were not answered right as they come up detracts from the story. I do not know about you, but I, for one, would not take the time to read a story where the author tells you everything from the beginning. Once again, no offense was meant by this spiel. Thank you for your comment. This is one of the first comments that I have received on any story that actually has competent reasoning.

Quote:
However I do get the impression that the first person narrative could do with a tad more character to work with
Not to be picky, but this story is in third-person. Smile
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Tolé nirol, Jeremi naga’sé!

No way! There is a Vinco, Pennsylvania!

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Dargarious



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PostSubject: Re: The Riddle [Teaser for Part 12]   Thu 10 Jul - 20:12

Well that was definatly a silly mistake to make then. The over riding point was mainly about the character itself, be it third or first. Then again I've been a bit spoiled over the past with really well done characters so I could just be nit picking.
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Milligan observed a nobbly brown dog snoozed down on the grass verge, now it was one of the creatures that dozes with eyes half open, but to Milligan a Catholic, it would appear the animal was giving him a long sensual erotic stare: Milligan moved uneasily in his holy Catholic trousers.
-Puckoon
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The Riddle [Teaser for Part 12]

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