It had an average day for Tyson. He was walking home one time after a hard school day. As usual Tyson was late for class so he got yelled at again. All throughout the year he was always late and most times forgotten his books. He tends to fall asleep in class and he was well known around his town for his beyblade skills. One day he was challenged by another blader named Carlos. Carlos was a feared beyblade in the town being a part of the team called the BeySharks. They were the most fearsome team in the town known for their power, skills, and their tendency to steal parts from the beybladers they have beaten in a beybattle. After he got home as usual his grandfather was waiting for him at home ready to train him with sword play. Tyson was the one to inherit the family dojo.

“Tyson! Little dude where are ya?!” Tyson’s grandfather bellowed.

“I’m in my room Grandpa! I can’t train today! I’m busy with something else!” Tyson replied.

“Well get your tush down here! You need to train if you’re going to inherit the family dojo!” Grandpa yelled back.

Tyson rushes past his grandfather and down the street.

“Sorry Grandpa! I’m way too busy!” Tyson said as he ran down the street.

“That Tyson... He is always busy with something these days.” Grandpa thought to himself.

After about a 15 minute walk Tyson had finally gotten to where he was supposed to meet up with Carlos for his beybattle.

“Hey. Where’s Carlos?” Tyson asked as he barged through the door.

“Carlos won’t be showing up. He has another scheduled battle. Besides, in the current state your beyblade is in Tyson you wouldn’t stand a chance against him.” Chief had replied in confidence.

Tyson looked at Chief with a questioning look.

“What do you mean by that?!” Tyson had rebutted.

“Well Carlos has his beyblade built so it will be 4X as strong as any other. We need to make your beyblade become 4X as powerful as it is now in order for you to stand a chance against him.” Chief had replied.

Tyson stood there in thought for a moment and finally had an idea.

“Chief why don’t you come to my house after and let’s see how we can power up my beyblade!” Tyson had suggested.

Later on that night Tyson and Chief were in Tyson’s room trying to think of how to make his beyblade stronger.

“So how can we make my beyblade stronger Chief?” Tyson asked enthusiastically.

“Well by the way Dizzi has it your beyblade is good as it is but I’m not sure myself.” Chief stated.

Tyson rolls over and gives an angry sigh while Chief keeps fiddling with his beyblade.

“Chief! There has to be a way for me to increase its speed!” Tyson exclaimed.



End of chapter one.

Sorry about leaving you hanging like that but I’m running out of time to write ‘cause of my science fair project.

lol, beyblade.

Please. Don't make any harsh or mean comments. I don't like those. They hurt badly. Just try to give some pleasent or try to make nice critism.. not mean like people usually do on my stuff.

Really, grow up.
Please.

You can't get anywhere with "nice criticism." That's not how the greats of English literature became good writers. They had to endure harsh criticism because it was GOOD for them, because it helped them improve, not to make them feel bad.
Also, it's the internet.

..... Jotaro you REALLY get on my nerves. Your as bad as Akiva! Jeez. I try to write one story just to try my skills at writing and you guys come along and trash it! Sorry for trying! I guess I may as well give up writing and art! Two of my favorite things to do! Thanks for ruining it Jotaro. Be proud of being a dream destroyer.

Don't get me wrong, you write better than most people your age on here, but seriously.

You're an emo, but I'll give you some slack since you're thirteen and I know a bunch of tweens and teens who are emotional during those early years. Just write what you want and draw what you want, it's not like you're trying to make a career out of them right? If people try to help you out (Whether it seems mean or not), they still have the intentions of helping you. Jotaro could have completely ignored this story, but yet he gave it a read and then pointed out how criticism improves your abilities (Even if this was after the lol, beyblades). Though he failed to give any kind of helpful criticism, the after thought was a nice enough gesture.

I haven't read this story, so I can't help otherwise. Just calm down and stop taking things so seriously.

Wow, you're thirteen and you can still remember the first season of Beyblade? I thought they took that off the air years ago ^^; heh

Speaking of which, this story is starting to sound a bit like the first episode. Just wondering but is there gonna be any differentiation between this story and the show? Again, not ripping at you, I'm just curious to see where the story's going ^^;

He hardly read it. not even 2 minutes after i posted it. "Beyblade. Really?" i mean i dont like that attitude. it hurts my feelings! and im not Emo... just cause i had some or maybe alot of horrible things happen to me doesnt mean im emo.

Yeah. It will get better as I go. I mainly go by memory. the episodes are still on youtube. So it will advance farther since I have A LONGE way to go.

I actually did read it, it was very simplistic, therefore a quick read..
As for criticisms... Too short for a first chapter?

It was done on MS Word. I'll try to make more tonight if not then tomorrow during school since nothing GOOD happens there anyways..

i really do not remmeber mych about the show but i can't wait to see how this turns out

Hmmm, where to start. Well i would like to give you some advice on basic story structure. When you write a story you must assume that your audience in a barrel full of overly cranky monkeys. You have to assume your audience knows nothing about the story. Imagine someone trying to read your story and never knowing what beyblade is. They will not understand the content.

There is also not enough character development in the story. For all i know "Chief" is some homeless drunk wanting to kill Tyson. And who is this Tyson? Why does the reader care about him? What makes him fit to be the main character?

I also came across your confusing tense. Acording to the story he is walking away from school(walking home one time after a hard school day), then is late for school(was late for class), then is challanged to some sort of battle on another day(One day he was challenged). This is out of order and causes the story to become hard to read.

Sorry to tack all of this on but the story also seems to be rushed. Don't get me wrong you can have 300 pages and still have it rushed or have .2 of a page very well organized, the progression of the story barely glances on one topic or event and then moves on to the next. one example is to look at why he late for class. Does he do crack? Does he trip and fall alot? Did he wander into a nursery and go on a blind baby punching brawl? Tell the reader WHY! Detail is your friend, detail will help you!

I do not mean to hurt you with these comments but to help you. But at the same time you must understand that this story is lacking in many ways. I tried to point out some of them for you but i must impress upon you that this story did not catch my interest. You would have to rewrite the first chapter before i continued on reading this not only to help you but as a fan.

I shall leave you with a quote: "You must let an enemies words sink into the brain, but quash them before before they reach the heart."

The opening paragraph is just a string of put together sentences that say something but not much. I know that in the show some kids would spin tops trying to beat the other kid's top. We know Tyson has a grandpa, knows a person named Chief, and that Carlos is a good spinning-top player, but we have no idea if any of these characters have heads, hair, legs, arms, genitalia, or torsos.

All in all, it pretty much sucks at telling a story. So far there is no story, there may be a plot, but that's just an idea, there's no story because there are no characters or background. We know he was at a dojo but then...the void! Oh and we know that top-spinners overbook themselves for some reason, I'm guessing it's because top-spinning is popular for some reason.

Also, typically people "talk" like that and 'think' like this, and unless a number is over 100 you need to type it out, and it's spelt 'four times' not '4X'. And how did Tyson jump to the conclusion that speed=better power, something tells me, and it's just my knowledge of physics, that Force = Mass x Acceleration, and that while increasing speed is going to increase force, which I'm assuming is the same as top-spinning 'power', a top is not going to be able to generate enough speed to increase it's force four times over.

Also, just so you can still say I'm meaner than Hitler and the worst person ever (whiney little emo that thinks they went through horrible circumstances (bitch moan *cry*) to which I have to say grow some balls and man up) your about as good a writer as a cockroach.

A retarded Cockroach.

A lobotomized Retarded Cockroach.

A lobotomized Retarded Cockroach whose lower half was cut off.

And there is a reason for me calling you that. So far there hasn't been any original ideas (since someone said this was similar to the first episode), there isn't any depth for anyone, and so far you just have mannequins running around doing nothing.