I'd like to have a serious discussion about this, insofar as possible.

I've been experiencing a lot of frustration lately in trying to strike a balance between my own natural writing style, which doesn't just lean but leaps towards the long and flowery, and something a little more terse and appropriate for a fetish story, and I thought it might help a little to get some input from other writers and see if they felt the same way.

I've actually had a story completed for a little over a week now, but I'm going through constant revisions with a couple of different proofreaders and the heart of the issue is that the sentences are way too long and complex and, in certain places, just downright incomprehensible. I'm working on improving it, but it feels very awkward to try to write in a voice that isn't your own.

Does anyone else have a similar sort of problem? What kind of techniques have you found that help out?

Just as an example, here's a snippet out of the next story.

Quote:

Maria had known that the break-up was going to be difficult and unpleasant. Laura was not the kind of girl with whom one broke up easily with. She watched blearily as the movie's credits scrolled across the screen. In truth, she had been asleep for the last quarter of it, but she couldn't really be blamed for it. Despite all her other faults, Laura, her girlfriend, was comfortable and her arms were soft and gentle. One carefully guided Laura's free hand across Maria's back, and it made the younger girl shiver pleasantly as she returned to consciousness. "I was going to ask if you enjoyed it, but it doesn't seem like you can keep yourself awake for the whole thing," Laura teased as Maria sat up and yawned sleepily. Two years older than Maria, Laura was a senior at the university that both young women attended. Tall and built athletically, the feline had put out a flyer advertising for a roommate that Maria, only a freshman herself, had answered. They moved in with each other and one thing lead to another, leading up to the point in the here and now where the short and slightly pudgy otter girl was comfortably nestled in the older feline's arms, warm and content. Warm and content on the surface, anyway; the thought of breaking up, prompted by Maria's growing restlessness about the serious turns the relationship was taking, lurked in the back of her mind like a dull ache, causing her to shift restlessly in the unknowing Laura's arms. She couldn't say exactly why she was so wary of bringing it up, but just thinking about it caused her to be uncomfortable. Unaware of all that was going on in her girlfriend's head, Laura continued her gentle teasing, bringing her hand around to tickle at Maria's chin. "Don't tell me that you're down and out for the night," she said, pouting. "I thought we could have some fun tonight."

I always try to go for a show and don't tell, there's a lot of "telling" the reader what's going on rather then using descrption, prose or even conversations to have the reader fill in a mental picture.

Let's start with; Maria had know that the break-up was going to be difficult and unpleasant.

So that's telling me something, i'd have

Maria carefully put the fine china away, looking carefully around judging if the television could be used as a weapon and deciding that no, even in a fit of rage Laura would never want to miss her soaps but for now Harry the potted petunia would go with the rest of the breakables into a safe place.

So there i've set up whatever is going to go down is going to make Laura so angry she'd almost destroy the television if she didn't have an existing relationship with it and yet poor Harry would be used as a missile until after what ever is going down.

Of course this might be a lot of effort it depends how you want your story to go, if it's just a PWPish story, cut as many corners as you want.

I can understand the feeling of trying to simplify your style -- or completely changing it, as the case may be. I'm probably not the best person to give advice, though, since I actually enjoyed the amount of detail in descriptions and thoughts that you put into that little excerpt. However, if we're talking about something that exists on sexual connotations and actions, and if the goal is appealing to a broad audience, you're probably right to change things up.

I usually ask myself what significance there is in any description. Is it necessary? Does it advance the meaning of my piece? Are the characters' thoughts important for relaying something to the reader or assisting the theme? Do you want to describe everything in detail, painting a picture with words, or do you want your readers to have some freedom of imagination? Is it excessive? Is it too little? Too much? Are these questions getting on your nerves?

Striking the balance between advancement and information is a key, but it depends on what you're trying to communicate to your audience. Whatever is more important, emotionally or physically, can tip the scale in either direction based on your comfort levels. For example, relating to your snippet, is the focus on the thoughts or the actions?

If you're connecting the reader to the characters, you can expand some of the thoughts and flesh them out, though whether it's a gradual process or something you tackle immediately is up to you. If the importance is the fetish, however, then ask yourself, what are you doing with it? Is it something mental (emotional bonding between characters) or physical (sex, pretty much)? Whatever decision can shift the focus of your pace, how you use details and how you tie things in with thoughts, emotions, etc.

In terms of the words themselves, I would say you should tell your friends to expand their vocabulary, but that's probably not the best immediate solution. >.> "Say it plain" is a phrase my current instructor likes to use. It's not necessarily "dumbing down" your content, but rather, making it a little more straight-forward for your users. I don't think it's needed here, but I'm not part of your general audience either.

Best of luck to you.

I can relate in that I have a huge problem with being too wordy, so much so that it's detrimental to my writing. In fetish stories especially, getting to the point is a very important factor. Description is important to a certain level, but overdoing things can make it difficult for anyone to enjoy reading a story. Try as I might, I still find things slipping into over-described, run-on territory, and can pretty much pinpoint the cause:

As soon as I put a word down I become attached to it. Even if it doesn't fit I'll keep trying to justify why it works. It's a really horrible habit. The same thing applies for sentences, paragraphs, and whole chapters as the process expands.. I feel like if I change anything it'll throw the whole story out of whack- but this is completely untrue. The English language allows a writer so many different ways to say things, that to confine yourself to one is almost perverse. It's much better for one to experiment, and there are various exercises that allow you to try this out.

I'd recommend coming up with a random concept (fetish related would probably be best in this case) and writing a few paragraphs about it. Read it over, make sure you understand the idea, and then write it again in a totally different way. Make sure it has the same meaning, same pace and all that, but use completely different words the whole way through. Sometimes you'll find yourself at a loss, or pulling stuff out of your ass to make it work.. but most writers already do that, don't they? Along with challenging yourself and enhancing your creativity and adaptability as a writer, it can help you find ways to actively smooth things over- to realize that you're not stuck with something as soon as you put it down. Once you've done this, try applying it to stuff you've already written (ie. that snippet you posted for us). It can be difficult to do and takes a good deal of time, but the outcome is worth it.

Something I like to do is to change simple words into unnatural alternatives. I'll use an example from one of my own stories:

"Once the proximal refitting slab was directly to their fronts..."

This is a totally stupid way to say "Once they were in front of the nearby changing table." Thing is, I'd been using those two unavoidable words far too often already, and got fed up. How else can you say "changing table?" Maybe someone can enlighten me, but I have no idea. Honestly, though, a sentence like that probably shouldn't be used in a final draft. It sucks attention to itself just based on how weird it is.. There are, however, times when it pays off to put something artistically instead of in a straightforward, literal way. Oft-repeated words can make a story tedious and bland, so sometimes the sacrifice is worth it.. but more often, it just distracts the reader. Either way, this type of exercise can help you escape the confines of traditional language, and realize that you have endless ways to write something.

It can also help you figure out the best way to write your fetish related stuff. Heck, write that snippet in half a dozen ways.. I guarantee one version will feel sexier than the rest, and it might surprise you which one it is. Or you might find that each one has a section that works best- you can stitch them all together and have a hot new Frankenstein story. The best thing is it's not even compromising your style- it's just taking advantage of how malleable any defined "writing style" is in the face of language.

The bottom line is that nothing is set in stone. The best words can be difficult to find sometimes, but if you get in the habit of searching for them the writing world will open right up.

I hope that helps.

DO NOT COMPROMISE YOUR STYLE. You shouldn't write for other peoples sake, but for your own, and if anyone would like to stumble along, take a look at your writing, that's just fine. And remember, your words will speak for themselves' not everyone's going to like what you write, possibly because of the plot, possibly because of the style. Screw em', write how you want and play out the responses you get.

I was once told that novice writers need a mentor, expert writers need an editor.

Basically two opposites, one writes too little the other too much. But if you're writing too much you're doing it the right way round. It's easier to cut off excess than to add entirely new sections, sentances or even just single words of descriptive text in my experiance.

But I have found no problems with your writings in the past. Make a Wish was fantastic as anyone who has read it can attest. There was little to no excess descriptive writing and it flowed beautifully.

I am now looking forward to the next story though, teasers are always good fun

I would have to agree that you need to write for yourself. I have always been annoyed with short erotic stories that seem to have no finesse. You know, the whole "he shot his hot jizz on her huge jugs" sort of thing. I hate that.

I've had success with a sort of teaser style. I start out with a brief backstory of my characters, to sort of give the readers something to either identify with, or at least give them a verbal picture of what the character looks like.

By "success" I mean I've posted some of my erotic fiction on Short-fiction.co.uk with one of the stories getting an average of one view per minute shortly after it was posted to the site. I decided to publish a collection of short stories on Smashwords, and I've sold a few copies. I posted excerpts on the stories on the fiction website to get people interested in the ebook. I've only had a few readers comment, but the comments I've had have been fabulous. Very enthusiastic.

You might want to post some of your fiction there and request feedback. I had someone send me his fiction, and it was good, but very dense. The kind of fiction where if you read five pages, you feel like you've read 50. I've not read the entire thing yet because it's kind of exhausting. It's basically sex scene after sex scene after sex scene. I would prefer being teased, then have a sex scene every so often instead of an onslaught. Other readers may disagree with me. People may read my erotic fiction and say "get on with it, already," but I wanted to establish characters and then gradually lead in to the action.

But the reason I write the kind of erotic fiction that I do (spanking and tickling) is that I can't seem to find it. I can find plenty with just regular sex scenes, but it's not what turns me on. So I write what I enjoy, and that's part of the reason I've had more than 11,000 views for the story excerpts I've posted. The other part is writing a story that you are so excited about that you literally cannot stop writing until you've come to a resolution that you are happy with. That happened for me with "Anything For Georgetown" and when I finished the story and was happy with my conclusion (the main character in the story tricks the man who helped her get into Georgetown, and gets him into major hot water) I went out and treated myself to dinner, because I felt like I deserved it, even though I could barely afford it. I'm really proud of that story. And others really like it too, which makes me think my hunch was right about it being a good story.

If nothing else, make sure your stories make YOU happy. I think Stephen King said something about writing for the joy of it. And if you can do that, you can write forever.

Define 'fetish story'.

And when all else fails, just write the story exactly how you would tell it verbally.

If you can't get someone to read it back to you, then use a text-to-speech program.